TEL AVIV - Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs John Baird implied in a speech that Nazis weren't the great guys some people made them out to be. Mr. Baird claimed that their leader even wrote a book about their philosophies and plans. Baird is due to leave Israel soon, joining Prime Minister Cowboy Steve in China. A Canadian Foreign Affairs attaché said Canada's chief diplomat has been eagerly looking forward to visiting the many fine porcelain shops. "He's stoked. Wildly enthusiastic about those China shops!" …
[Read more...]

LONDON - Taking the sting out of the recent closure of the Electromotive plant, the Prime Minister announced Friday that London will be the site of the Navy’s new headquarters and largest naval shipyard. London's new military command centre will oversee operations of Canadian Fleet Atlantic, responsible for the operation and readiness of the Atlantic fleet. The Canadian Task Group Centre in London will be the home base for any East Coast deployment of ships to military exercises or operations. The new Ontario base will have the ability to protect Canadian waters while boosting employment in …
[Read more...]

With Valentine's Day fast approaching, Toronto City Councillor Doug Ford wants to give the TTC "a complete enema" . Whether the TTC would be a willing partner to such a procedure is unknown.Enemas are a popular sexual activity between partners in some cultures. Enemas can be pleasurable to either sex, and in males, enemas can stimulate the prostate. Erections are common. An enema may also be used prior to anal sex in order to enhance the sensation of intercourse, or to remove feces prior to sex. The councillor should be aware that over usage of an enema solution may be harmful for the anal …
[Read more...]

Federal Minister of Defence married American singer and actress Madonna Ciccone in a quiet ceremony over the New Year's weekend. After a whirlwind and clandestine courtship, the couple tied the knot at a Gander, NL fishing camp owned by Rob Crosbie. The newlyweds were whisked away in a Cormorant search-and-rescue helicopter to then board a Canadian Forces Challenger flight to somewhere really expensive and far, far away.The Minister purportedly felt "like a sturgeon" …
[Read more...]

OTTAWA - Former federal cabinet minister Helena Guergis is suing Prime Minister Cowboy Steve, the Conservative party, and several of their lackeys for her 2010 ejection from caucus over allegations of improper conduct.The former cabinet minister publicly stated she had been mistreated and maligned by her former boss and his employees. As plaintiff in the civil lawsuit, she is seeking compensation for damage she claims those actions inflicted on her public reputation.  A former staffer to the minister told the press "We would like to see his ass sued off. All the way off. He would no …
[Read more...]

Air Canada has awarded the jet-setting Minister of Defence membership in the prestigious 'Mile High Club'. A staffer said the department was proud that the Minister received the honour from Canada's largest air carrier, and that it was "long overdue". Ministry insiders later discovered that the award wasn't exactly a part of a loyalty programme, but still  "well-deserved recognition".The award was accompanied with a bottle of champagne and a cigar …
[Read more...]

OTTAWA - Critics of Peter MacKay charged that the Defence Minister's expenses at an overseas security conference in 2010 were out of line. Canadian Taxpayers' Association spokesman Barney McMillan of Halifax claimed that a reasonably priced Euro-hooker should cost approximately $500, not almost $1500.McMillan added "For that kind of money, we believe that twins had to be involved , possibly midgets."MacKay was in the men's room and unavailable for comment. "Ich will dich stark ficken. Gruppendiskont" …
[Read more...]

OTTAWA - Minister of the Environment Peter Kent emphatically denied being a "piece of shit" today during Question Period in the House of Commons. MP Justin Trudeau referred to the minister as a "piece of shit". Kent, a former meat puppet, told reporters that the opposition has no evidence that the minister is, in fact, a "piece of shit".Trudeau hurled his accusation when Kent claimed that New Democrat MP Megan Leslie, the NDP environment critic, did not know what she was talking about because she hadn't attended the climate meetings in Durban. Leslie was not at the conference because the …
[Read more...]

The Prime Minister’s Office has confirmed Edmonton MP Peter Goldring has voluntarily withdrawn from caucus after the MP for Edmonton East was charged with refusing to take a breathalyzer test early Sunday following a perogy fundraiser.The charge brings an immediate 24-hour licence suspension then a grace period, followed by a three-month licence suspension. If convicted, Goldring would face some nasty shit, and possibly forced to resign. That scenario would likely pave the way to a seat in the Senate. A source close to the government said that since Goldring is not in cabinet, he's not …
[Read more...]

OTTAWA - A former aide to Prime Minister Cowboy Steve said today that the leader's hairpiece was made in China. The PMO staffer, who left the government in July, also asserted that the piece was 'prêt-à-porter', rather than custom made."Honest to God, with all his money, power and status you think he'd want the best. Instead he wears something that looks like he fished it out of the shower drain. If I were him, I'd look at buying a luxury rug, like the Shatner 3000."Budgetary challenges affect all departments, starting at the top …
[Read more...]

Canada will not renew its membership in Columbia Record Club, Environment Minister Peter Kent said Monday."We will not make a second commitment to Columbia," he said of the pact. "We don't need any more CDs at this time. All of our Christmas shopping has been completed," he said.Sources suggest the real reason behind the cancellation is that the major music distributor won't offer the new Nickelback CD for purchase.Sun Media cited sources saying Ottawa also plans to withdraw from Publishers' Clearing House next month. The government does appear satisfied with its agreement with Netflix. Kent …
[Read more...]

OTTAWA - A growing number of Conservative MPs are questioning their government's position on the export of Nickelback.Solid caucus discipline has been one of Cowboy Steve's political achievements over six years in power. While open revolt over Nickelback hasn't erupted, clear faultlines over government resistance to having the band listed as hazardous internationally suggest the prime minister may be forced to deal with a rare case of internal dissent. The first public cracks in the Conservative party line came when five Tory MPs broke ranks and abstained from an NDP vote that would have …
[Read more...]

The small Ontario resort town Huntsville was named The Economist's "World's Most Livable City", displacing last year's winner Melbourne, Australia.Huntsville earned the citation thanks to an abundance of federally-provided first-rate facilities, excellent gazebos and other park structures, sidewalk and tree upgrades, brand-new public toilets, state-of-the-art trash receptacles, arenas, parking lots, and municipal buildings. It does not take into account climate, the cost of living, or the fact that Huntsville isn't really even a city."...and Baird said we can pave the whole fucking place if we …
[Read more...]

The principal of Earl Batty Public School banned spheres of all types this week when a parent suffered a concussion after being hit in the head with a globe. "We're now teaching that the Earth is flat. And that Rob Ford and dinosaurs walked the Earth together," said Principal Alice Castrado. The globe hit the parent right in the coconut, witnesses report …
[Read more...]

Sources on Toronto Police Services Board confirmed today that an investigation has been initiated into "libel, slander, and ad hominem attacks" on Toronto co-mayor Rob Ford. Police discovered an intentional effort to paint Mr. Ford as a fitness buff and a vegetarian. Stories have surfaced that he has been seen at a downtown health club during lunch hours, and that he has been shopping at the Vital Planet health food store.The identity of Mr. Ford's accuser has police baffled. "This is the sort of thing that could snowball", added one insider. "Someone is trying to make him look like a health …
[Read more...]

…
[Read more...]

In a surprise move, Toronto co-mayor Rob Ford declared a huge budget increase to the Toronto Police Services Board. Mr. Ford was unavailable for comment, but when asked why the change of heart by the co-mayor, a spokesperson said "No particular reason. Can't he just do something nice for the hard-working cops in this city?" "Don’t you fucking know? I’m Rob fucking Ford, the mayor of this city!” …
[Read more...]

Rob Ford, co-mayor of Toronto, was today threatened by a middle-aged woman dressed as a princess. She was wearing a short red dress with breastplates, and offered Mr. Ford some grandmotherly advice on how to help his plummeting poll numbers. Witnesses said the co-mayor retreated quickly into his home, apparently fearing that the older woman was preparing to kick his ass.Directory Assistance? What's the number for 911? …
[Read more...]

Backers of the PM celebrate the repeal of Canada's Long Gun Registry …
[Read more...]

10.    Snoop Dogg   "Ain't No Fun (If The Homies Can't Have None)"  9.    They Might Be Giants   "Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head"  8.    The Locust   "Anything Jesus Does I Can Do Better"  7.    Coolio   "Hand On My Nutsac"  6.    The Flaming Lips   "Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell"  5.    Tammy Wynette   "Stand by Your Man"  4.    Stan Ridgeway   "Don't Drop the Soap With Anyone Else but …
[Read more...]

OTTAWA- Defense Minister Peter MacKay was today outed by a Conservative staffer. The party insider told reporters that MacKay has long been a "lesbian trapped inside the body of a man". His constituency office issued a brief statement, saying only that the minister was away fishing, and unavailable for comment. Opposition critics were quick to claim the Minister of Defense orchestrated the news himself in a cheap attempt to bed more women …
[Read more...]

Toronto mayor Rob Ford gave his endorsement to former Ontario PC leader John Tory today. When a staffer pointed out that Tim Hudak, and not Tory, was the current party leader, Ford replied "Really? Are you shitting me?"Rob's brother Shecky Ford said he will announce his pick on Friday. "First I want to see how things go on Thursday", said the co-mayor. "So far, I'm leaning toward the Raiders."Toronto mayors Rob and Shecky Ford weigh in on Ontario election campaign …
[Read more...]

John Baird has certainly raised some eyebrows due to his new business cards.The Conservative foreign affairs minister demanded customized business cards, contrary to government rules. Baird ordered the word "Canada" dropped from the standard design, also against federal policy. The controversial changes initially provoked resistance from the senior foreign affairs bureaucrats who are responsible for implementing policies on government branding. But Baird stamped his feet, won a temporary exemption from the rules and got his way.With the disappearance of the large "Canada," the biggest type on …
[Read more...]

In a move that surprised absolutely no one, the Prime Minister today unveiled a new bill to reform Canada's 'First Past the Post' electoral system that will have its first reading next week. Since coming to power in 2006, the Tories have complained that a party with 30-40 per cent of the popular vote is able to attain 100% of the power."The proportional representation electoral method is far superior to our current 'first past the post' system", Cowboy Steve said today in Ottawa. "It's more democratic. The way we do it now is grossly unfair to the 60% of Canadians who didn't vote Conservative …
[Read more...]

Toronto mayor Rob Ford and his brother, co-mayor Shecky Ford will be at tonight's Toronto International Film Festival world premiere of the U2 documentary From the Sky Down. The Ford brothers have been branded 'philistines' by many for their lack of support for the arts. Shecky Ford was quick to defend the brothers' cultural cred. "We've been huge fans of Bono ever since we found out he was married to Cher. That's the coolest!"  Rob Ford: Says favourite CD is U2's All that You Can Eat …
[Read more...]

Canadian Prime Minister Cowboy Steve's reluctance to travel outside of Canada stems from an unfortunate incident with a bidet while visiting China. According to a leaked diplomatic cable from the U.S. embassy in Ottawa, Cowboy Steve was assaulted by the bidet while on an official visit in 2009. A spokesperson from the Prime Minister’s Office explained that the PM was unclear on  the workings of the bathroom appliance and disaster ensued. U.S. officials described this late 2009 event as an “messy inconvenience” for Cowboy Steve in the cable, telling their bosses in Washington that …
[Read more...]

If you don't like Jack, you don't know shit …
[Read more...]

Ministry of Justice officials confirmed Friday that the government has recently started compiling statistics of unreported crimes. A spokesperson for MP Rob Nicholson told reporters "We are carefully tracking crimes that are unreported. Our ears have been kept to the ground listening for every rumour, anecdote and innuendo pertaining to unreported crime. People are murmuring, and we're carefully listening and writing stuff down, no matter how garbled, far-fetched or nonsensical it sounds. A database of unreported incidents is being compiled. We need to address the numerous hypothetical …
[Read more...]

Mayor Rob Ford will break a longstanding tradition and not attend next weekend's Gay Pride Parade. Mayor's Office spokesman Morgan Tassels said the mayor will be blowing the city for the holiday."I'm sorry I'm gonna miss it. I love pressing the flesh and rubbing shoulders with my constituents." …
[Read more...]

Canada's biggest hockey fan is weighing with his take on hockey's Stanley Cup finals. Cowboy Steve has declared that he backs the Boston Bruins to win Lord Stanley's silverware. The PM flew to New England and bought last minute tickets from an events broker known simply as Big Luigi. "I paid a bit of a premium, but it was well worth it."Don Cherry told me that the Boston team is loaded with good Canadian kids, like Zdeno Chára, Tim Thomas and Tomas Kaberle. Great talents. These past two games have been amazing. Who doesn't like good, clean hockey? And solid teamwork. As the vast majority of …
[Read more...]

TORONTO — Ontario could be the first province in Canada to force MPPs to earn their keep by picking up garbage along highways and cleaning graffiti from city walls if the Progressive Conservatives take the reins of power.Opposition Leader Tim Hudak has vowed to make MPPs work for their perks if he becomes Ontario's next premier.In what's being billed as a Canadian first, MPPs would be forced to perform 40 hours of manual labour a week — such as raking leaves and cutting grass — to earn rewards like coffee and gym time, he said."MPPs can watch TV, they can play cards, they can play poker …
[Read more...]

TORONTO — Ontario could be the first province in Canada to force MPPs to earn their keep by picking up garbage along highways and cleaning graffiti from city walls if the Progressive Conservatives take the reins of power.Opposition Leader Tim Hudak has vowed to make MPPs work for their perks if he becomes Ontario's next premier.In what's being billed as a Canadian first, MPPs would be forced to perform 40 hours of manual labour a week — such as raking leaves and cutting grass — to earn rewards like coffee and gym time, he said."MPPs can watch TV, they can play cards, they can play poker …
[Read more...]

TORONTO — Ontario could be the first province in Canada to force MPPs to earn their keep by picking up garbage along highways and cleaning graffiti from city walls if the Progressive Conservatives take the reins of power.Opposition Leader Tim Hudak has vowed to make MPPs work for their perks if he becomes Ontario's next premier.In what's being billed as a Canadian first, MPPs would be forced to perform 40 hours of manual labour a week — such as raking leaves and cutting grass — to earn rewards like coffee and gym time, he said."MPPs can watch TV, they can play cards, they can play poker …
[Read more...]

TORONTO — Ontario could be the first province in Canada to force MPPs to earn their keep by picking up garbage along highways and cleaning graffiti from city walls if the Progressive Conservatives take the reins of power.Opposition Leader Tim Hudak has vowed to make MPPs work for their perks if he becomes Ontario's next premier.In what's being billed as a Canadian first, MPPs would be forced to perform 40 hours of manual labour a week — such as raking leaves and cutting grass — to earn rewards like coffee and gym time, he said."MPPs can watch TV, they can play cards, they can play poker …
[Read more...]

TORONTO — Ontario could be the first province in Canada to force MPPs to earn their keep by picking up garbage along highways and cleaning graffiti from city walls if the Progressive Conservatives take the reins of power.Opposition Leader Tim Hudak has vowed to make MPPs work for their perks if he becomes Ontario's next premier.In what's being billed as a Canadian first, MPPs would be forced to perform 40 hours of manual labour a week — such as raking leaves and cutting grass — to earn rewards like coffee and gym time, he said."MPPs can watch TV, they can play cards, they can play poker …
[Read more...]

TORONTO — Ontario could be the first province in Canada to force MPPs to earn their keep by picking up garbage along highways and cleaning graffiti from city walls if the Progressive Conservatives take the reins of power.Opposition Leader Tim Hudak has vowed to make MPPs work for their perks if he becomes Ontario's next premier.In what's being billed as a Canadian first, MPPs would be forced to perform 40 hours of manual labour a week — such as raking leaves and cutting grass — to earn rewards like coffee and gym time, he said."MPPs can watch TV, they can play cards, they can play poker …
[Read more...]

TORONTO — Ontario could be the first province in Canada to force MPPs to earn their keep by picking up garbage along highways and cleaning graffiti from city walls if the Progressive Conservatives take the reins of power.Opposition Leader Tim Hudak has vowed to make MPPs work for their perks if he becomes Ontario's next premier.In what's being billed as a Canadian first, MPPs would be forced to perform 40 hours of manual labour a week — such as raking leaves and cutting grass — to earn rewards like coffee and gym time, he said."MPPs can watch TV, they can play cards, they can play poker …
[Read more...]

TORONTO — Ontario could be the first province in Canada to force MPPs to earn their keep by picking up garbage along highways and cleaning graffiti from city walls if the Progressive Conservatives take the reins of power.Opposition Leader Tim Hudak has vowed to make MPPs work for their perks if he becomes Ontario's next premier.In what's being billed as a Canadian first, MPPs would be forced to perform 40 hours of manual labour a week — such as raking leaves and cutting grass — to earn rewards like coffee and gym time, he said."MPPs can watch TV, they can play cards, they can play poker …
[Read more...]