Former mallcop Julian Fantino has been handpicked by the Conservatives to run as the party's candidate in the upcoming federal byelecton in Vaughan, it was revealed at a press conference this morning. The erstwhile security guard has served as the top cop of the London, Toronto and OPP forces, as well as Cloverdale Mall and the Eglinton Square Shopping Centre.At the announcement, the former retail security specialist was asked whether he will be allowed to speak freely. “The Prime Minister deals with issues as he sees them,” Mr. Fantino replied. “I know what leadership is all about …
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Former mallcop Julian Fantino has been handpicked by the Conservatives to run as the party's candidate in the upcoming federal byelecton in Vaughan, it was revealed at a press conference this morning. The erstwhile security guard has served as the top cop of the London, Toronto and OPP forces, as well as Cloverdale Mall and the Eglinton Square Shopping Centre. At the announcement, the former retail security specialist was asked whether he will be allowed to speak freely. “The Prime Minister deals with issues as he sees them,” Mr. Fantino replied. “I know what leadership is all …
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Prime Minister Cowboy Steve and Newfoundland and Labrador Premier Danny Williams choppered into Trouty, a small fishing village about 120 kilometres northwest of St. John’s, Friday to visit the community damaged by Hurricane Igor.“I have never seen damage like this in Canada, and I've witnessed a lot of disasters, especially recent ones. Where we were standing at one point, the water would have been over our heads here” Steve said. "I always said Danny Boy was in over his head, but I really meant it figuratively. You'll have to excuse me now, I have to ride this thing one more …
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Prime Minister Cowboy Steve surprised many with his choice for Canada's 36th viceregal. Calling him a man who "represents the best of Canada," Cowboy Steve on Thursday announced David Johnston will be Canada's next Governor General. Johnston, a 67 year-old retired trucker was born in Miramichi, New Brunswick. He attended Louis Riel Elementary School where he graduated from Grade 8.  He has always harboured a desire to earn his high school equivalency certificate, but never quite got around to it. A teacher said she considered Johnston to be "a little bit slow", making him a good candidate for …
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Prime Minister Cowboy Steve surprised many with his choice for Canada's 36th viceregal. Calling him a man who "represents the best of Canada," Cowboy Steve on Thursday announced David Johnston will be Canada's next Governor General. Johnston, a 67 year-old retired trucker was born in Miramichi, New Brunswick. He attended Louis Riel Elementary School where he graduated from Grade 8.  He has always harboured a desire to earn his high school equivalency certificate, but never quite got around to it. A teacher said she considered Johnston to be "a little bit slow", making him a good candidate for …
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OTTAWA - Prime Minister Cowboy Steve vented his anger with Toronto today on the eve of the G8 and G20 summits. "These are the same bastards who laughed at me in high school, stuffed me into a locker and called me names, like 'Pencil Neck Geek'. Then they don't vote for us. Not one goddamned seat! Well guess what. Now they can't wipe their asses without me and security seeing them. I took their city away from them for weeks.  And they can't even escape to their little Huntsville cottages, because we're there too. We moved into their neighbourhood, and they're paying the freight." Cowboy …
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OTTAWA - Prime Minister Cowboy Steve vented his anger with Toronto today on the eve of the G8 and G20 summits. "These are the same bastards who laughed at me in high school, stuffed me into a locker and called me names, like 'Pencil Neck Geek'. Then they don't vote for us. Not one goddamned seat! Well guess what. Now they can't wipe their asses without me and security seeing them. I took their city away from them for weeks.  And they can't even escape to their little Huntsville cottages, because we're there too. We moved into their neighbourhood, and they're paying the freight." Cowboy …
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OTTAWA - At a parliamentary committee hearing, Rahim Jaffer was revealed to be the mastermind behind his wife Helena Guergis' pregnancy. Jaffer admitted to cooking up the entire scheme when it appeared that no one else would step forward to take responsibility. A private investigator who was tailing the couple said Jaffer and Guergis were seen leaving local seafood restaurant Busty's together in the former cabinet minister's riding of Simcoe-Grey. The investigator found the receipt for the restaurant tryst, which was disclosed at the hearing. The meal consisted of two dozen Malpec oysters, a …
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OTTAWA - At a parliamentary committee hearing, Rahim Jaffer was revealed to be the mastermind behind his wife Helena Guergis' pregnancy. Jaffer admitted to cooking up the entire scheme when it appeared that no one else would step forward to take responsibility. A private investigator who was tailing the couple said Jaffer and Guergis were seen leaving local seafood restaurant Busty's together in the former cabinet minister's riding of Simcoe-Grey. The investigator found the receipt for the restaurant tryst, which was disclosed at the hearing. The meal consisted of two dozen Malpec oysters, a …
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Tories defended their nearly $2 million G8 and G20 media centre that includes a simulated Muskoka lake, resort, and bait shop. PMO spokeman and sometime outdoorsman Dimitri Soudas pointed out that the pavilion is a savvy way to promote Canada's natural beauty, recreation and "other touristy stuff."Cowboy Steve estimated the actual cost of the fake lake to be $1.96 million, saying the figure was significantly less than Liberals claimed. "It just sounds like a shitload, as they say in economics school" said the Prime Minister. The lake, which is included in the centre’s Experience Canada …
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OTTAWA - Pundit Rex Murphy today expounded on his steadfast refusal to accept climate change as a scientific given. The National Post columnist and CBC radio personality has long maintained that climate change theorists are wrong. Now Murphy has taken his views one step further, today stating that weather bears no relation to climate. "This is a well proven fact. BC's lower mainland is said to have a temperate climate, yet they experience significant snowfall every few years. Torontonians saw temperatures in the 20s this past March, and they claim to enjoy a long, cold winter. Weather is up …
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OTTAWA - Canada's pristine landscape has been threatened by an ecological disaster of its own on the heels of the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Environment Canada has identified Conservative backbencher Dean Del Mastro as "a human oil slick". The ministry estimates the used car salesman's hair contains the same volume of petroleum as that found in the Hibernia oil field off Newfoundland's coast. Experts warned that if left unchecked, the oil slick that is used car salesman Del Mastro's head could contaminate much of Ontario's freshwater supply, jeopardizing access to clean drinking …
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OTTAWA - Faced with record federal debt, Finance Minister Smilin' Jim Flaherty boldly predicted that the federal government's deficit will be erased within twelve months. "We're going to sell more Senate seats. These are a hot commodity, and they'll fetch bags of money. And we get to stock the upper chamber with Cronies, Reformers and Pals (CRAP) that share our vision of a different Canada. Don't forget federal judge jobs, either. They're up for grabs too. You betcha."Financial Post scribe Brian Cudmore commented "Why he didn't think of this before becomes the $49 billion dollar question. It …
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Pierre Trudeau entertained Beatle John Lennon. Paul Martin shared a pint of Guinness with U2's Bono. Not to be outdone, Prime Minister Cowboy Steve invited Liberace impersonator George "Muffins" Eisenstein to 24 Sussex Drive.PMO spokesman Dimitri Soudas confirmed that Cowboy Steve and the ersatz Liberace swapped licks, tickled the ivories and downed a pitcher of gin fizzes. Later they relaxed in the media room to watch the film Spartacus starring Kirk Douglas. Cowboy Steve laughed at his critics, saying "Liberals wouldn't know good music if it pinched them in the ass. I appreciate good music. …
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OTTAWA - Conservative senator Mike Duffy has recently been victimized in a case of identity theft. RCMP spokesman Ron Hyland spoke to reporters yesterday, admitting that the senator was bilked out of several thousand dollars over the past three months. Hyland said that a rural Ontario resident, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Duffy, allegedly stole the politician's wallet and charged several purchases to his Diners Club card and impersonated the senator at an Ottawa all-you-can-eat buffet-style restaurant, managing to avoid detection. A Visa card was used to access a subsciber-only BBW …
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VANCOUVER - Executive members of the Canadian Pornography Workers Alliance honoured Conservative MP Vic "Big Daddy" Toews with their prestigious award for Best Porn Star Moustache at their annual gala last night. Previous winner Ron Jeremy said other actors have long envied the politician's moustache. "It's truly impressive. He looks ready for anything. The man is no amateur." Canada's Minister of Public Safety, Toews' next priority is the responsible use of condoms.Vic Toews comes up big on Porn industry awards night<div …
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OTTAWA - Federal Conservatives today named Rex Murphy spokesman for the Prime Minister's Office. In a move that surprised almost no one, the media icon will replace Dimitri Soudas, who is expected to join Cirque du Soleil in Las Vegas.Opposition MPs protested Murphy's appointment, contending that there would be a conflict of interest because of his ties to CBC and the National Post. Senator Mike Duffy came to Murphy's defence. "I was a Conservative Party mouthpiece for years and years while I still worked at CTV. The only difference in Rexy's case is that he'll actually collect a paycheque. I …
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When former Tory MP Rahim Jaffer testified before the House of Commons Government Operations Committee on Parliament Hill, no one foresaw what was coming next. Committee members watched Jaffer answer the last of the committee's questions. According to witnesses, it was then that Jaffer's size 38 pants suddenly burst into flames. Ottawa firefighters were called, and thanks to their quick response Mr. Jaffer was promptly extinguished. "Spontaneous pants combustion is rare, but it seems to happen here in Ottawa more than in other cities", said Fire Chief Alan Renshaw. All that was left of the …
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Industry Canada staffers honoured It's Cowboy Steve with more than 50 visits this afternoon. Blog author Baron von Tollbooth was unavailable for comment. It is believed he stepped out to walk the dog or perhaps grab an espresso.Industry Canada Minister Rt. Hon. Tony Clement at the press conference, where he also named Fox News Industry Canada's favourite TV news outlet and Glenn Beck favourite radio host <div …
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RCMP are preparing to probe ex-Tory cabinet minister Helena Guergis, said a private investigator today in Milton. He did not elaborate whether a quick probe was planned, or a much more thorough, exhaustive affair. Former RCMP official Daniel Mésanges was asked if the Mounties were up for it. "They rarely enter into such matters unprepared, but sometimes a different thrust is needed. As long as they come out on top. They like to feel in control, but proper handling is a must."Retired MP James Gorman told reporters he thought it best that investigators have a good look-see before coming to a …
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Several new accusations were leveled against ex-Tory MP Rahim Jaffer in Ottawa today. Jaffer's alleged use and abuse of his wife's government office property was disclosed by the RCMP during a press briefing this morning. Sgt. Ronald Dudley, an RCMP headquarters spokesman, said that their investigation was "far from over". It was alleged that Jaffer used Helena Guergis' government car to deliver pizzas for a local restaurant in Ottawa. The former MP had been seen late at night delivering thin-crust pizzas to homes in the Lindenlea area of Rockcliffe. He was accepting cash payments, or …
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A spokesperson for Simcoe-Grey MP Helena Guergis confirmed that the minister and her husband, former Tory MP Rahim Jaffer will appear on the popular ABC television show Dancing with the Stars. The Guergis staffer believes the media-savvy couple will advance to the finals of the competition. "They are very light on their feet. Helena can dance her ass off, and Rahim certainly knows how to charm a judge." The roster of other celebrities taking part in the upcoming contest includes longtime Conservative Prime Ministers Joe Clark and Kim Campbell, as well as crop circle denier Rex Murphy and his …
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The idiot from Nickelback with the retarded haircutErstwhile Pepsi Power Hour host J.D. RobertsOlympic Gold medalist (briefly) Ben JohnsonCanadian-born skank Pamela AndersonBoston Pizza pitchman Howie Mandel   Celebrated four-term MP Rahim JafferRich Little, D-list wannabe celebrityClose personal chum Conrad BlackWorld War II expert Jim KeegstraAnnoying songbird Celine Dion <div class="statcounter"><a title="blogger …
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Macleans.caAttention: Liberal scum EditorsToronto, ONDear Shit-for-brains Editor:I, a devoted worshipper an anonymous citizen, am writing in response to the continued media attacks on my friend, boss and idol Member of Parliament, Helena Guergis. I feel strongly, as do others in our constituency office community that Ms. Guergis represents a train wreck the best and the brightest this shit-hole Canada has produced.In the commie rag Macleans, it was reported that a fine, hard working, dedicated individual Guergis staffer had written finely crafted missives letters to several newspapers …
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Conservative senator Mike "The Shill" Duffy weighs in with his views why he has a hatred for Canadian journalists. In a litany of fair and balanced invective, the nonpartisan senator gives his reasons for his intense dislike of the press.Duffy painted journalists as being the most hypocritical, fat, lazy, overpaid, unctuous, brainwashed, adipose, underworked, out-of-shape, elitist, fraudulent, entitled, weaselly, overfed, narrow-minded, hamster-faced, porcine, liver-lipped, drivel-spewing, yellow, partisan, lard-assed, preachy and opinionated bags of wind and huge wastes of skin that ever …
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This morning, Conservative senator Mike "The Shill" Duffy was taken to hospital in Ottawa, complaining of a headache and abdominal pains. Medical staff examined Duffy and he was diagnosed with Faciem durum cacantis, a condition where a patient finds difficulty expressing himself in a regular and timely way. The malady is usually accompanied by a pained and troubled countenance. Chief of medicine Dr. Paul Nesmith said Duffy had responded to treatment, but it could have been serious if ignored. Dr. Nesmith went on to say the patient could have burst, making a mess of himself, the ER and all who …
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Discussing the maternal-health initiative for the Third World, Prime Minister Cowboy Steve came out in favour of the condom. Many members of his cabinet were against the contraceptive device. International Co-operation Minister Bev Oda initially disagreed with Cowboy Steve, saying she didn't like raincoats. After persistent efforts by her colleagues, she was worn down and won over after trying the Wrangler by Ria. Foreign Minister Lawrence Cannon's reluctance was due to a deep-seated fear:  He's just too embarassed to ask for them at the local drugstore. Finance Minister Smilin' Jim …
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Few saw it coming. PMO spokesman Dmitri Soudas today announced Prime Minister Cowboy Steve has again shuffled his cabinet. The big shakeup affects the portfolios of Justice, Finance and whatever it is that Helena Guergis does. The new appointees are Larry Fine, Moe Howard, and Howard's brother Curly (Jerome). Fine, the new Minister of Finance, brings a wealth of experience to the job, as evidenced by his role in the short film Healthy, Wealthy and Dumb. Howard the elder will serve as the new Justice Minister, replacing Rob Nicholson. Howard indicated he will ban the use of the taser, to be …
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A high-ranking government official today confirmed that a reporter with the North Bay Nugget obtained a leaked email Richard Colvin sent to Defense Minister Peter "Banjoface" MacKay. The message could blow the lid off the Afghan detainee matter. Sections of the email have been edited for reasons of national security. It is unknown if MacKay read the email. A spokesman for the honourable Banjoface said many messages get lost because of a high volume of hair replacement and penis enlargement ads the honourable member receives on a regular basis. It is not known if the minister reads those …
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Former Tory MP Rahim Jaffer felt the full wrath of Ontario's Provincial Court today. Jaffer was convicted of careless driving and must pay a fine of $500. In addition, the court declared that Jaffer must also donate $500 to charity. The Parliament Hill press corps expressed shock at the severity of the sentence. Jaffer's punishment didn't surprise some, however. Senator Mike "The Shill" Duffy declared the Conservative government's law and order agenda to now be in full effect.Conservative Justice Minister and Attorney General Rob "Taserman" Nicholson was asked if the court made an example of …
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Finance Minister Smilin' Jim Flaherty was today honoured by the Nobel Watch Co. of New York, NY. Flaherty was awarded a fine timepiece from Nobel's Signature Collection. Nobel spokeman James Richards said Flaherty was presented with "a fabulous solid stainless steel timepiece with Swiss movement. This magnificent watch has a white dial with applied silver roman numerals. It contains a scratch resistant anti reflective sapphire crystal."Flaherty was presented with the award to acknowledge his mastery of creative accounting, evidenced by his management of Canada's economy, and to celibrate his …
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Little is known about the private parts of Citizenship, Immigration and Multiculturalism Minister Jason Kenney's gay agenda. According to UBC political science professor William Garland, Jason Kenney's gay rights personal opinions differ drastically from Conservative Party and Prime Minister Cowboy Steve's official platform. Jason Kenney's gay marriage views:Jason Kenney's gay stategy includes legal marriage, but only to heterosexuals, thereby saving gays and lesbians from persecution.Jason Kenney's gay supporters understand that Kenney's gay rights public image needs to be in line with …
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Citizenship and Immigration Minister Jason Kenney today came out with a response to charges that he ordered the removal of a section of the new guide for immigrants for Canadian citizenship. The section that dealt with the decriminalization of homosexual sex and recognition of same-sex marriage came out from the guide on Kenney's say-so. The guide contains no mention of gay or lesbian rights.Kenney came out and said "We try to be inclusive. We can't mention every legal decision, every policy of the Government of Canada." Kenney came out initially with the excuse that mention of gay rights had …
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Far from being budget shoes, Smilin' Jim's new soles set him back a cool $395. Keeping with the average Canadian's $96,000 household debt, Flaherty put the purchase on his Visa card. (Incidentally, Visa is the only card accepted at the Winter Olympics). Fresh from Parliament's brief little recess, Jim will be sporting his new Louis Vuittons when he unveils his new federal balance sheet.The state of Canada's economy is much better than the one he inherited as Finance Minister in 2006. He and Cowboy Steve had a surplus of more than $13-billion, signifying mismanagement by the previous Liberal …
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Conservative Justice Minister Rob "Taserman" Nicholson today introduced four-term Conservative MP Rahim Jaffer as Canada's special advisor on drugs. The announcement was made only days before Prime Minister Cowboy Steve's Conservative government pursues their "tough on crime" agenda during the next session of Parliament. Taserman said "nobody is more aware of drugs, and he'll be looking for them in small-town Canada, Downtown Eastside Vancouver, in correctional institutions, even under buses". The appointment is consistent with the Conservatives' resolute stand on law and order. Jaffer stated …
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Cowboy Steve today appointed Helena Guergis Minister of Tourism. PMO spokesman Dimitri Soudas confirmed that the junior cabinet minister has been named to the position, replacing former minister Rob Moore. Soudas cited the ex-beauty queen's mastery of public relations skills, and the experience gained from traveling the nation in her role as Minister of State. Cowboy Steve noted that the former Miss Huronia "has been working her ass off for her constituents". The promotion is considered the latest jewel in the crowns of Ottawa's premier power couple, Ms. Guergis and her husband, respected …
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Finance Minister Smilin’ Jim is busy with the finishing touches of the upcoming federal budget. It is estimated that his latest fiscal balance sheet will contain very few surprises. Here is a sampling of ten items the experts are anticipating:Spending money to investigate where all of Canada's money went New incentives for saving fuel, including gas discounts for tailgatersPaving the lawn at Parliament Hill, thus saving on landscaping costsLaying off a whack of unsuspecting peopleBarring ambitious immigrants, who could "overenhance" our economyCap income tax rate for smart, good-looking …
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